


Like Everything's Okay

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-17
Updated: 2006-03-17
Packaged: 2019-02-02 16:05:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12729804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Sam tries to figure out where she fits in.





	Like Everything's Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: I'm told by several reliable sources that this baby needs a tissue warning, so you might want to have a Kleenex box or a couple squares of toilet paper handy if you're quick to get misty eyed.  


* * *

For the first time in a long time, I'm actually bored. I mean, there's only so much time a person can spend at a computer before her head threatens to explode. So, I'm heading up to the commissary for a bite to eat and some light report-reading. Food... what a concept.

I walk into the large room to discover that it's really quite full... unusual for 1500. The Colonel and Daniel are here, too, sitting alone at a table along the wall talking quietly to each other. They look like they want to be alone, but theirs seems to be the only table with empty seats, so I grab a prepackaged tuna sandwich from the cooler and head over in their direction.

They are so wrapped up in each other, that they don't notice me, even when I 'm practically hovering over Daniel. I clear my throat, and they both look up.

"Carter," the Colonel says with an obviously forced smile.

"Sir. Daniel. I, uh, don't mean to interrupt, but you guys are hogging all the empty seats. Do you mind?" I ask, gesturing to one of the free chairs.

"Um... no, not at all. Have a seat, Sam," Daniel says.

I smile my thanks, sit down, and open my sandwich. The Colonel and Daniel start talking in whispers again, and I try not to listen... their business is their business. So, I pull the rolled-up report I brought along out of my back pocket and try to concentrate on reading. Unfortunately, though, being seated where I am, I can't help but overhear, no matter how much effort I put into preoccupying my mind.

"Daniel, stop being paranoid. I want to do something nice for you. I mean, really. It's not like such an opportunity for you to be spoiled comes along every day. This **is me** , we're talking about."

"Hmm... maybe we should take you down to see Janet."

"Wha? What the hell are you talking about, Daniel?"

I suppress a grin. I don't have to look up to know that the Colonel is glaring at poor Daniel.

"You just made my point, Jack. This **is** you we're talking about. Mr. This-is-the-Air-Force-let's-keep-it-discreet wants to go out for a night on the town. I'm starting to think you've been replaced by a pod person, or something."

The Colonel sighs at the truth of Daniel's statement. "Who cares about that crap, anyway? I'm **bored**."

Daniel huffs. "Oh, gee, thanks, Jack."

I can actually **hear** Daniel roll his eyes. I've been friends with these people for **far** too long.

"Gah! I'm not bored with **you** , just... in general. I'm bored **in general** , Daniel."

"Yeah, I know." Daniel's smiling, and I'm sure that if they weren't in such a public place, he'd be reaching over the table to squeeze the Colonel's hand. They can be really... cute, sometimes.

"So? What do we do? I **want** to go out, Daniel, and no matter what I said before, I'm sick of staying at home all the time...no matter how much fun we might have..."

"Well, I suppose we could go with the adolescent option and draft a chaperone," Daniel suggests. My stomach does a somersault. I do **not** like where this conversation is heading. Fortunately, though, the Colonel laughs. Thank God, he's gonna shoot the idea down.

"What the hell is so funny?" Daniel asks, obviously wounded. The Colonel promptly wipes the tears from his eyes and sobers, buckling down for the task of repairing Daniel's hurt feelings.

"Nothing! Nothing... just... well, what d'ya wanna do? Put an ad in the paper?"

"No..." Daniel replies, defensively. "Why don't we try asking a friend? Small group of friends going out... nothing wrong with that."

"What do you mean? Like..." They pause, and I can feel their eyes on me. I'm not liking this territory again. I hastily shovel the last corner of my sandwich into my mouth and rise to leave.

"Well, back to work! I'll just be going, then," I mumble around the food in my mouth. I manage to turn around and take four steps.

"Carter!"

Ah, crap.

"Sir?"

"Have a seat, Carter. Take a load off. I'm sure your lab can live without you for a few more minutes. Can I get you anything?" The Colonel actually got up out of his chair, took me by the elbow, and ushered me back to my seat, where I am now trying to make myself as small as possible.

"Jack, don't..." Daniel speaks up to defend me. Weakly.

"No, no... Sam is our **friend**. I'm sure she'd be more than happy to accompany us to a **free** dinner and movie..."

"Sir..."

"And maybe a round of mini golf..."

"Daniel!"

"Because she's such a brilliant, kind, and wonderful person, of course."

"Sir, with all due respect, quit kissing up. It doesn't become you."

"I could order you."

"No you can't," I snap back, crossing my arms across my chest indignantly.

"I suppose I could get down on my knees and beg..." The Colonel replies. I can 't help letting the corners of my mouth twitch. I settle into my chair and get comfortable for the impending negotiations.

"This, I'd like to see," I say, grinning. The Colonel blinks and drops his jaw. He looks at me for a moment, then to Daniel, then back to me. He blinks again.

"Daniel, get down on your knees and beg her."

"Jack!" Daniel responds, a little too loudly in synch with my own disgusted "Colonel!"

"Well, you want to go, don't you?" the Colonel asks Daniel, who starts massaging his temples.

"I can't believe this..." Daniel sighs.. "You're gonna pay for this," he mumbles to the Colonel, then scoots his chair back. He's actually going to do it...

"No, wait. Daniel, sit down," I grab his arm and practically push him back into his chair. I sigh. "Once. I'll do this **once** and only once. Any more, and you can just ask Teal'c or Janet."

The Colonel grins at me. "Thanks, Carter. Knew we could count on you. We'll pick ya up at 8."

"Fine," I huff, and slide my chair back, preparing to leave. Daniel has moved in a split second from 'self-pity' mode, to 'ha! I just got exactly what I wanted' mode. The Colonel's no better. Like they'd been planning this all along... Dammit!

* * *

I can't believe I agreed to this. I'm standing here in front of my closet, in my underwear, agonizing over my wardrobe selection... as if either of them is gonna care at all about what **I'm** wearing. I spy my sexy little black dress behind my sweater collection and sigh. Why bother.

I settle on jeans and a light blue, collared blouse. I can at least be comfortable. Finally satisfied with my purposely mediocre appearance, I turn the lights out in my bedroom and move out to the living room to grab my purse.

I think I'll lock up now, and wait outside. It's a beautiful night, **and** if they don't come to the door, I don't have to invite them in. I turn the rest of the lights in the house off and open the front door in the dark. I swing around it and lock it from the outside, then I turn around to face the street.

And find that Daniel and the Colonel are already here. Leaning against the passenger side of the Colonel's Avalanche, making out.

For two people as concerned about public appearance as they are, they could have at least stayed in the car. I momentarily debate whether or not to just go back inside... I mean, it isn't quite 8, yet, but instead, I decide not to waste the opportunity to scare the crap out of them. Case in point, when they get wrapped up in each other, they're mentally **gone**. In no way aware of the world around them.

So, dopey grin on my face, I sneak down the sidewalk, as quietly as I can in hard-soled boots, and come up right behind the Colonel, who has Daniel pinned against one of the doors. I come to a stop just a foot or so away from them and lean in toward their locked heads.

I clear my throat. Loudly. And to my amusement, they spring apart and make gallant efforts to pretend they hadn't just been locked at the lips. Right. I can't help but grin... they look so... I don't know... innocently guilty, if that makes any sense. For two people who are so consistently confident and composed, for the blink of an eye, they seemed like two people I have never met before. And I'm suddenly a little uncomfortable with that idea. For the blink of an eye, they're strangers to me.

I shake off the feeling and try to screw my smile back into place before Daniel and the Colonel realize anything was wrong.

"Sorry, sorry," I say, hoping they get that I didn't mean to startle them. Although I really did, but I won't bring that up. "Didn't mean to uh... interrupt, but I'm getting kind of hungry." The Colonel smiles mirthlessly at me and nods.

"Excellent point, Carter. Major, Doctor, shall we?" he continues, seeming much more like himself... at home giving orders, I guess. Daniel opens the back passenger side door for me and I climb into the Colonel's SUV. The door slams shut beside me, and Daniel and the Colonel both get into the car.

We're three co-workers, friends, if you will, going out together. Having a few drinks, a bite to eat. So, why do I have such a bad feeling about this?

* * *

This was such an incredibly bad idea, I can't even describe it. A bad decision. Bad move. Just bad, bad, bad. I'd never realized... I guess it had just never sunk in before just how deep everything went. It's funny what you can notice about people you know... how in the blink of an eye, your perception can do a full 180 and you have no control over it. Funny what you notice when the two other people at the dinner table are all you can really observe. How much you can catch in the dark of a movie theater.

The Colonel and Daniel are **together**. Together as in really to-ge-ther.

I never **really** saw it before... and now I wish I was still so oblivious.

They'd told us a long time ago, me and Teal'c. I guess they just felt that we deserved to know what was going on. They played it down... invited us over to the Colonel's house for Chinese food and drinks, which in and of itself is not unusual at all. But then, after dinner, sitting around the Colonel's living room, Daniel just kind of... naturally gravitated over toward the Colonel and touched his shoulder. The Colonel had looked up and sighed, closing his eyes, preparing himself, then he said quite simply, "We think you guys need to know something."

He and Daniel had continued to expound in tandem. It didn't take long... maybe it only seemed like it did. But when they were finished, I hadn't known what to say. Teal'c was fine. It didn't seem to bother him at all. But I was speechless. Voiceless... lost.

I grabbed my coat and quietly left. Nobody tried to stop me. Nobody said a word.

The next day, a Sunday, I got up early. I had never really gone to bed. I didn't think, I just got up, took a shower, put some clothes on, and backed my Indian out onto the street. I started riding, although that was probably not the best idea, since I felt like I was asleep. Dreaming. Nothing seemed quite real. Until I found myself pulling into the Colonel's driveway. I dropped my helmet on the seat and went to the door. Knocked. Then almost walked away, chickening out. But I didn't. I stood there and waited.

And the Colonel came to the door. He just stood there for a second, waiting for me to speak. But I couldn't find any words... so I did something I never, ever thought I'd do. I gave him a hug. He was a little stunned at first, but then reached his arms up around my back and squeezed.

And I knew everything would be fine.

I let go and looked over his shoulder to see Daniel standing in the hall and smiled, then walked away.

The next day, we went to work, and everything seemed normal. It wasn't discussed. It just kind of... drifted into the background. I knew it was there, but it was never really **there**. Until now. Now, suddenly it's real. It's staring me in the face, and I don't know what to do with it.

The looks. The furtive glances that I'd never cared to notice before, now seem so blatantly obvious. Damn. Now I just don't know what to do.

* * *

"Carter?"

I look up to see the Colonel staring at me, and I get the feeling that he'd been trying to get my attention for a while. I look over to see the General looking at me with his head kinda tilted and his mouth open like he wants to say something, but he's a little confused... crap.

"Sir?"

"Did you have anything to add, Carter?" I blink and try to remember what was said while I'd been zoned out.

"No. No, Sir, I think it's all been pretty well covered," I reply, in as in-control a voice as I can muster. Crap... I **always** have something to add...

He looks at me with a little quirk of his eyebrow... he doesn't buy it. Daniel seems amused, anyway. I think if I wasn't in the briefing room right now, with the General sitting 4 feet away, I'd roll my eyes. Exaggeratedly.

"Well, then, SG1, you have a go. See you in two days," the General says. We all stand up and pack our papers as he leaves, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Daniel throw the Colonel another one of those covert 'love across the table' glances. One of those that I never used to notice, but know were always there.

A shiver runs up my spine and I feel... I don't like the way it makes me feel.

It makes me feel like there's something missing. The sense of... equality that we'd all reached with everything we've been through suddenly floats away and completely out of my reach.

Like there's now a pedestal to climb... but Daniel's already at the top.

It's stupid, really. That one little evening could change the way I see things to such a dramatic extent. I really thought I was a bigger person than this. That I was a grown up, could be mature. But it turns out I'm as childish now as when I was young, vying with my brother for my parent's attention... stretching my arms up toward my dad, hoping he'd notice me and lift me up onto his shoulders.

The one thing I really seem to remember about being so little is that he never actually did notice. Mom always noticed... but Dad never did, never saw me standing there reaching for him, wanting his attention. I remember feeling invisible... fading into the background of his busy life.

And I feel like it's happening again.

I'm fading into the background, being forgotten. Pretty soon there won't be any time or energy to worry about Carter, worry about Sam... they have each other now. So where does that leave me? Alone again, I suppose. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

I should be used to it. But I don't think anyone ever can be. I think all anyone can do is try to keep going like everything's okay.

* * *

The Colonel and Daniel are part of my family, and Teal'c makes four. We work together, play together, fight and die together. There's that thought, that sense of deep, intense trust, that has me invalidating my own feelings and makes me think I'm just being petty or letting my imagination run away with me. Makes me remember that nothing would be worth threatening our bond over.

I mean, really. Just what exactly am I supposed to say? 'Sir, Daniel... I miss the way things used to be, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd break up.'

Yeah, that'd go over well.

We're off world, P7X-884. Temperate climate, trees, the usual. The Colonel and Daniel went off to explore something or another. I wasn't really paying attention at the briefing. Odd, yes... and it seems that Teal'c has picked up on my absent-mindedness. Probably because I just put a third different plant sample into the same specimen bag.

"Shit," I mumble, kneeling down to try and sort out my labels. I can feel Teal'c lurking up behind me.

"You appear to be preoccupied and have been for some time," he says in an uncharacteristically quiet tone. Sometimes he really surprises me.

I know that his concern is sincere. He's always sincere. Always honest. It's a sign of respect, he once told me. He would never insult me with pretense. But for some reason, even knowing that he'd likely see right through me, I don't afford him the same courtesy. I stand up slowly, and I lie.

Try to keep going like everything's okay...

"Have I been? Nothing's been bothering me," I say. Predictably, Teal'c raises an eyebrow.

"You are very skilled at many things, Major Carter, but deception is not one of them."

I sigh and start studiously examining the specimen bags in my hand. "Teal'c... I'm sorry. You're right, of course. But... it's just so stupid. It's silly and pointless to even mention."

"If you truly considered your feelings to be... silly and pointless, I do not believe they would be bothering you to such an extent," he counters.

"True," I reply, looking up at him, trying to gauge his train of thought. "But just because it's bothering me, doesn't mean it **should** bother me. Human beings can be very irrational creatures, sometimes."

Teal'c actually smiles at that. "But then, you probably already knew that," I mumble, turning around to start walking again.

"Indeed," he responds. "However, you are one human being who is rarely irrational."

I know he's trying to help. I do know that. But all of the sudden, I'm overcome with a feeling of disgust at the topic at hand. With all of us... disgusted with the Colonel and Daniel, with myself, even with Teal'c, for broaching the highly taboo subject.

"Teal'c, can we please talk about something else?"

"Of what would you like to speak?"

Got me there.

So, instead of talking, we work and walk in an oddly uncomfortable silence. Usually, Teal'c is one of the very few people that I can truly feel at ease with, but now, I feel like I've gone deaf or something... lost one of my senses. The one that is practiced at reading his face and moods. He's closed himself off to me... almost an 'If you don't want to share, I don't either.' If he were any other man, I could easily see that being the case, but from Teal'c, it stings all the more. And I know I brought this cold relation from him down on myself.

So quickly, it seems, the people I love most in the world are fading away. And I'm angry.

* * *

Once again, I find myself traveling aimlessly through Colorado Springs. This time, though, I'm in my little Volvo. It's dark and raining. Late.

Really, I'm not so aimless, though. I'm just kidding myself into thinking I am. Trying to pretend that I don't know where they are. Trying to forget how much I want to be there with them.

But I declined tonight. That last mission... a perfectly simple, fire-fight and running-for-your-life free mission... was a little too much for me.

Have you ever learned a new word? One that you couldn't recall ever hearing before... to the point where you weren't even sure if it was actually real or just made up? And then, suddenly, you start hearing that word everywhere you go, like it was just invented or something. But in some corner of your brain, you know that it's really been there the whole time... people had been using it all around you... you'd just never bothered to hear it before.

If Jonas—thank **God** I gave the ring back—was still around, he'd just laugh at me and say I was PMS-ing. That was his answer for everything. Martouf would have told Jolinar she was thinking too much. Funny, that's likely the same thing the Colonel would say to me. Narim would probably find it highly endearing... my sudden over-sensitivity. My Dad would have found it annoying and utterly confusing... probably chalking it up to hormones, like Jonas would have.

I just can't be around the Colonel and Daniel, right now, I guess. Maybe if I just... I don't know... leave it be for long enough, the whole feeling of dread and loneliness will just go away. Maybe I'd lose these stupid observational skills I've just acquired... stop seeing the touches, the silent understanding, the connection. Gazes across the campfire, the **real** reason why they share a tent, the **real** reason why, when we split up, it's always 'Daniel, with me,' from the Colonel. The **real** reason why Daniel always seems to spend the night at the Colonel's after our occasional post-mission 'none of us is in the infirmary' shindigs.

Like the one I'm missing right now.

For some reason, I'm actually interested in what McKenzie might say about this whole thing. Perish the thought, Sam... At least he'd probably have a better explanation than an estrogen imbalance.

Back in the real world, I'm sitting at a stoplight. The rain is falling in huge drops, adhering to the windshield for brief seconds, lenses mutating the streetlights and the blood-red lights of the traffic signal, like fireworks... spreading and sizzling out as the wipers push them out of existence. Then they're replaced by more, new ones... they just keep falling and keep getting pushed away, splashing back onto the wet ground.

There's nobody else on the street and I feel really, really alone. Then my eyes seem to suddenly open and I notice where I am. All I have to do is turn left, and I won't be missing that shindig. God, I miss them so much.

* * *

I stand on the Colonel's front porch, pulling my jacket tightly around me. It's chilly and I'm soaked... surely doing a pretty fair impression of a drowned rat. I bounce up and down on my toes a little bit, trying to keep warm as I wait for someone to let me in.

It turns out to be Daniel, who just stands in the doorway for a second, looking me over with an amused half-smile on his face until he gets up to my face. "Sam," he says. "I... thought you were busy. Is everything okay? Jeez, you're soaked! Come in." His voice is full of concern and his brow furrows just a bit, like he knows something heavy is going to happen.

"I lied about that, Daniel," I say bluntly, as he ushers me into the house and takes my coat. His head whips down to look at my face and our eyes meet. His expression is one of stunned curiosity and I know he wants to say something, but he doesn't.

We walk into the living room, Daniel having snagged a throw blanket for me from a cabinet on the way. The Colonel and Teal'c are already there, the Colonel in his old, worn La-Z-Boy and Teal'c over in another chair across the room, a can of Root Beer in his hand.

"Major Carter," Teal'c says, acknowledging my presence. I nod my head and vaguely realize that that's the first time he's said my name since I gave him the brush-off yesterday off-world. The Colonel turns around in his chair, a little surprised to see me here.

"Carter, I thought you were busy," he says, and I open my mouth to respond just as I had to Daniel, but Daniel beats me to it. In a tone that just... hurts.

"She... ah... lied about that," he says quietly. An instantaneous flare of... something... boils up in me at that—why the hell does he always have to be so damn oversensitive all the time!—but it's gone as quickly as it came.

"Really," the Colonel responds. "I'd never have guessed." Was I really that obvious? The thought must have shown on my face.

"Yes, you were really that obvious," Daniel says, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table as I take another uneasy step into the room. I've really done it this time, haven't I?

"Look, Carter... we're really glad you're here, and all..." the Colonel says, leaning forward a bit in his chair. "And I'm sorry to ruin the jovial mood of the evening, but... well, what the hell's been wrong with you lately?"

It's a reflex. It's this horrible habit I have, and no matter how hard I try, it just won't break.

"Nothing," I reply, a split second after he asked his question. And just as quickly, I get a heartfelt "Bullshit!" in response. I slowly move over to the sofa and sit down as he continues. I don't really hear it so clearly...

"You know, Major," says the Colonel, his voice raised a bit in frustration or anger or both, "I realize your work hasn't been suffering at all, but the way things have been going... we think—."

"I need to know that you'll never leave me behind," I say, quietly, cutting him off. They just look at me for a moment, the Colonel's anger-frustration changing to this pained look as he contemplates my request. He glances at Daniel, then Teal'c, his mouth hanging open a bit in surprise.

"I.. Christ, Carter... you **know** this. **Nobody** gets left behind. Ever..." Then his eyes widen as though he's come to a sudden understanding about something. "Sam, if you ever thought **once** that my being with Daniel... that if I ever had to choose..."

I shake my head, not really knowing what to say, just knowing I had to stop him before he went any further. He's got it so wrong... "No! No, Colonel... that 's not what I mean. I mean... shit, I don't know what I mean. I... I mean... Of **course** if, God forbid, you had to choose, I know. I understand that, of **course**. I **want** you to make the choice I know you'd make. I hope you'd make... But that's not what I'm talking about. I mean **all** of you.... I just need to know that you'll never leave **me** **behind**... fade away into some farce of a telephone friendship, be distant... go away... God, this sounds so stupid... I'm just... an idiot, aren't I? God, I sound like I'm five goddamn years old."

I hang my head, then let my forehead fall slowly down onto my knees, my hands coming up to clasp at the nape of my neck. For a few long moments, the world stops. The four of us sit there, dead silent in the Colonel's living room, the ticking of the clock on the mantle annoying the hell out of me.

Nearby, someone sets down a bottle of beer and shifts, then silence again. To the point where I'm startled when the couch cushions next to me sink. A hand... no, hands... are placed on my shoulders. They pull me close, back to rest on an almost still chest. Daniel reaches up to pull his glasses off of his face, as if he'd only just remembered they were there.

He places his hand on my forehead and pulls it back so my head rests on his shoulder. His head is right next to mine. My eyes are closed.

I just can't bring myself to open them and see distrust in the Colonel's eyes, pity in Teal'c's. And what of Daniel? What could he possibly be thinking right now to have come and cradled me in his arms? The hair behind my ears tickles as he breathes.

"I think I know exactly what you mean, Sam," he sighs. He sounds so relaxed, so content, and I find that incredibly odd, considering the former stressed air of the room. But, I'm also comforted by it. I open my eyes and twist a bit in his arms, trying to look at him. He tightens his grip, though, and I relax back into his shoulder and close my eyes again.

"The first time we met, Sam, I had everything. A home, a beautiful wife... a family that loved me as one of their own. They didn't care where I came from, what language I spoke, that I can't see worth shit without these... funny glass circles on my face. None of that stuff that seems to matter to every small-minded bastard in the world mattered at all to them."

I start to cry. I don't moan or howl, I just... cry. My throat tightens and one heavy, salty tear after another trudges down my face. I'm silent. Utterly silent and I can't move. God, I cry for Daniel, for Sha're, for Kasuf, for Abydos. For the parents—his wonderful parents—that he lost so long ago. I cry for myself... **because** of myself. For my selfishness, the ridiculous depths of my own self-pity, my shortsightedness. What right do I have to resent a man who has lost everything...?

Daniel pulls me closer, shhh-ing gently in my ear, rocking ever so slightly.

"I had everything I could ever want, right there in the palm of my hand, and in the blink of an eye, I realized that everything had changed. Had been changing. Pieces started to fall away. Pieces have been falling away even for as long as I can remember. And one night... right here in this very room, actually... It suddenly dawned on me that I had nothing left."

Daniel pauses, and I feel his chest heave against my back. God, what have I done? Making him feel like he has to relive it all... He takes a deep breath.

"It was you guys who pulled me through. Welcomed me into the folds of friendship, then family. Home... love. And if I ever lost you, Teal'c, or Jack, now...I guess what I'm saying is... I **do** know what you mean, Sam."

He stops again and I hold my breath. It seems wrong, what he just said. How he said it. Gratitude in his voice, but laced with fear. And I know... it's the same. So thankful to have found that comfort again, security, love, and contentment, yet so horribly terrified of losing it... losing all of that again. He does know.

"You don't **really** think we're dense enough to have **not** totally figured you out after all this time, do you, Sam?" Daniel says softly, with the genuine brotherly affection that I have come to expect and welcome from him. I'm so pleased to hear it, that I almost forget to be surprised by his statement.

"What?" I ask, choking the word out after a quick sniffle.

"Carter..." the Colonel says from his chair a short distance away. "Since we' ve been a team... we've lived and died side by side, saved the planet... well, lots of times. Saved each other lots of times. More times than I care to acknowledge."

"In the time we have known **you** , Samantha, we have seen you through trial after trial... Jonas Hansen, Cassandra Fraiser's arrival on Earth, your possession by Jolinar and your near death by the hand of an Ash'rak," Teal'c continues, his voice low and soothing.

"Finding out your Dad had cancer and then... I have no idea how terrifying it must have been... either let him die or let a snake burrow into his head," the Colonel says.

"Then finding out he'd been captured, going to Netu and having to relive what Jolinar went through there, your mother's death..." Daniel pauses to breath. "We do know how much you've lost, Sam. And we promise... as long as we can help it, you will **never** lose us," Daniel finishes.

I choke again and a low, pitiful sob finally escapes from my constricted throat. That little squeak opens the floodgates, though, and before I can stop it, I'm bawling, tears flowing freely down my cheeks, into my hair, onto my shirt, onto Daniel's. I moan and cry and cling to Daniel, three years of pent up... fear, rage and hate, sadness and loss, are purged, fuelled by my own sudden understanding... that I was never alone, no matter how many times I felt I was.

And Daniel clings right back, and I can feel him there, blessedly warm and solid and genuine. Tangible and real. And I can feel Teal'c mere feet away, his ever-present... **presence** coursing through my veins with his proximity.

And through the fog in my eyes, I see the Colonel squeeze down onto the couch between Daniel and the armrest of the sofa, adding his warmth to Daniel's, and I can feel their unity... The fine and pure swelling of their love that I so hate myself for resenting... Their unity strengthens me. Strengthens all of us. It's what makes our collective mission in this life, our fight, all the more meaningful.

"I guess I just... need a swift kick in the ass every once in a while, to make me see how much I really have," I say quietly. "Thanks, guys."

And I know, with sudden clarity, that this is what a family is really supposed to be... in the truest sense of the concept. What I don't think any of us really had or remembers. A single entity, reliant on each other to the point of codependency... unerring trust and unconditional love, even through times of doubt and distress, even distrust, ill-placed as it usually is.

With that... with that, comes the power and desire to heal any pain, any ill. And together, we do. And they just hold me while I cry. Everything's okay.


End file.
